I want more than anything to be able to say what I want to him, but years of conditioning has made it...difficult, to say the least. I spent so long trying to hide what I felt for him, and even now that I intellectually know I can't frighten him off, it still makes me nervous to try to express myself. He's helped me through so many rough times, I know that he'd understand, but I'm afraid to say that it's about him that I'm feeling kind of rough.
What happens this summer, when we'll have such limited contact? What happens next year, the year after? Do we just continue loving each other from miles and miles away? What if he finds out how truly fucked up in the head I am, that I'm not this strong, if slightly kooky girl that people see when they look at me?
I've put myself in the same position I've put myself in time and again after I swear time and again that I won't. I've let my heart become someone else's possession, what if he's as careless with it as the others have been in the past? What if it's not as real and valid to him as it is for me?
And, although he's the dominant subject of my thoughts tonight, there are other ones fighting loudly to take my time and attention.
I'm also worried about this summer. I'm not so much worried about the job as I am the ending of the job at bullys. I wish I was leaving in 2 weeks, not 2 months. I hate confrontation, thank you dad. I'm nervous about telling Peter and Aida about the job.
I'm so excited for this job. I have no doubt that it'll be amazing, I am a little worried though, my high energy comes in spurts it seems like, I have to wonder what's going to happen if I have an episode while I'm there? My depression is usually well under control, but there are those occasional times when I just can't stand the thought of getting out of bed, and can't relax enough to fall asleep at the same time.
I think I just need someone to tell me it's going to be ok, that I'm going to be ok. Sometimes reassurance is all I need.
Thespianically though troubled
Sarah
