reconciliation

I have many parts of my identity, I am a daughter, a sister, a lover, a teacher, a woman, a girl, a liberal, a feminist, a cradle ELCA member (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America), a "Blue", and many many other things.
Today a large chunk of my identity felt completely invalidated by another part of my identity. A HUGE part of my interpretation of third wave feminism is rights for the LGBT community, so as you can imagine, I was overjoyed when my church, the ELCA, approved the "Human Sexuality: Gift and Trust" social statement and the new "Actions on Ministry Policies" which tries to validate homosexual relationships. However, my joy was, and still is, very much tempered by the reactions that these actions have gotten from my area of the country (South Dakota).
The specific reason I feel so torn is because of my deep love for my church/denomination. It breaks my heart to see them so divided over something like this, that I myself have incredibly firm beliefs on. I value our theology of grace so highly, and I value the unity of our church, and how our differences and variety makes us strong. I honestly can't see myself being anything other than Lutheran. I also can't see myself being anything other than a human rights activist and feminist. And right now, these parts of myself aren't sure how to play nice with each other in the context of this issue and my membership in my home congregation.
I understand that many of our members grew up in a time where this was absolutely not ok, and I can't fault them for the society they grew up in. And I don't know what is going to happen to make them feel "ok" about this all, and if that involves leaving the ELCA, where does that leave my family? Where does that leave my parents, when my father has been an ordained pastor for 20 years, and this is his lifetime career? They can't change now, for one thing, my mom especially has about 5 million pre existing conditions, and they need the ELCA Board of Pensions insurance and pension itself.
Basically, the "equality now" and "unity in the body of Christ and especially the ELCA" are not sure how to function with each other.
See, as a feminist, I guess what I'm supposed to believe is that everyone deserves equality right now, but growing up in the church's politics has made me realize how set in their ways people can be. I feel like a bad feminist for saying this, but I don't think the time was right for these things to take place, in my mind, it was high time, but in the mind of the church as a whole, about 10 more years would have been appreciated. And I feel like it’s arrogant of me to disregard the feelings of the church as a whole, but at the same time I stand firm behind my convictions.
So, I’ve decided I’ve come to the conclusion of “I don’t know.” I think the best thing I can do is vote with my convictions and leave the rest to God tomorrow and in the following weeks and months to come. I just hope that that will be enough.
Grace and Peace
Sarah

Christmas

I know, I know, May isn't the best time in the world to talk about Christmas, but reruns of one of my favorite shows know no season.
Christmas, to me, is my family. I didn't realize how much it means to me until this year, being away from home and away from my family. Also, dating someone who's pretty close to being anti family doesn't help when I'm feeling homesick for my family and my traditions, since he has nothing of that sort to compare my feelings to.
Christmas is a crazy stressful and exhausting time in our household, because my dad's busy working so much to make christmas for everyone else. Also, since my sisters and I are all musically inclined, we tended to have 5 bazillion concerts to go to/perform in. But my mom and I have always tried our hardest to make the actual Christmas at the Holz household a combination of family tradition and low stress. We're the masters of lazy person Christmas. Sometimes the tree only gets a strand or 2 of lights, sometimes we go all out, there are certain christmas songs that must be played, and on no uncertain terms, John Denver and The Muppets must accompany the present unwrapping. Also, AEbelskivers must be eaten on either christmas eve or christmas day. mmmmm...AEbelskivers....mmmm

Anyways, watching the Christmas episode of Studio 60 made me think of that, and of my family, and now I miss them a lot.

In other news, I bought some new face scrub today, and I'm not sure if I like it or not. It kind of left an oily residue, but it has salicylic acid in it, and no parabens, so I dunno, we'll see how it does on my "Pre Finals Stress Breakout" and reserve judgement till next week.

TTFN
Sarah

insomnia, bad music across the hall, and loving life

It's almost 2 in the morning, and I should be asleep, but luckily, I don't have class until 3 tomorrow! woot!

I've got a variety of subjects to wax poetical about today, so bear with me!

First, language and body image (and how they coincide)

My mom and I used to play a game. We'd listen to NPR and if there was a word I didn't know, I'd ask her what it was, and have her use it in a sentence. Afterwards, I would add it to my already prodigious vocabulary for a toddler, and use it when the opportunity arose. Mom's favorite story that was a result of this game was when I told a babysitter that "The full moon is so romantic." That was about when I was 4.

16 years later, the days of me not knowing what a word means are few and far between, but when I was home for Christmas this past December, she taught me a word that got me on a road to change my life. I had decided to wear footless tights with a houndstooth pattern on them that I had gotten at Target (forgive me, I'm a recovering fashion addict, and still get excited about clothes occasionally) That night, mom told me I looked lovely in the tights, then called me "a zaftig beauty" I (at 175 pounds) had suffered at the hands of the fashion industry and media, and considered myself "fat." It was, in fact, a big step out of my comfort zone to wear tights, since I feel really self conscious of my thick ankles.

I looked at mom all funny like and said "Zaftig?" She said, yeah, it means being curvy, and luscious and stuff like that. So, that day I decided I wasn't allowed to think of myself as "fat" I'm a "Zaftig beauty" and damn proud of it.

Second, I'm jonesing for some food, dude.

I'm not talking about the institutional CRAP that aramark feeds us. I'm talking about cooking something, being creative, going with whatever happens to be in the fridge, and also, eggs. I love eggs, I love to make pretty much anything that requires an egg, my favorite is poached, or scrambled, or eggs in a basket, or soufflés, or panakukken, or well, pretty much anything that requires eggs.

Anyways, I really want an omelette, I've been fantasizing about it all night. We'll start by sautéing some baby spinach and some diced tomatoes in a frying pan with a little olive oil. then set the veggies aside, saving the oil, and start to cook up the eggs (with a splash of milk in them, it's the secret to good scrambled eggs I think) and then...wait for it...PESTO! I discovered pesto about a year ago, and was like "OMG where have you been all my life?" It's delicious, and salty, and garlicky and YUMMMMM! Also, it's a technicolor green from the basil, and everybody loves fun colored food! Anyways, after we add the pesto, we'll cook up the eggs until they're almost not quite ready, then add the veggies and some feta cheese. but not too much, because feta cheese is like spiderman, you have to treat it bearing in mind that "with great power comes great responsibility!" (I totally came up with that analogy by myself, I feel proud of that)

So yeah, I've been fantasizing about this with some whole wheat toast like all night, which is just a cumulation of me fantasizing about real food all week. (but such is the life of a college student, where we subsist on pb&j and whatever crap we can afford at aramark aka the fried shit that's super bad for you)

There was something else I was going to talk about...but I can't remember, oh wait, it was about the assailant who keeps attacking women on my campus. I'm way to tired and crabby to talk about that tonight, perhaps we'll rant tomorrow, eh?

Sarah

life, the universe and everything

I hate nights like these. When nothing seems to be comfortable, and I can't stop thinking about everything.

I want more than anything to be able to say what I want to him, but years of conditioning has made it...difficult, to say the least. I spent so long trying to hide what I felt for him, and even now that I intellectually know I can't frighten him off, it still makes me nervous to try to express myself. He's helped me through so many rough times, I know that he'd understand, but I'm afraid to say that it's about him that I'm feeling kind of rough.

What happens this summer, when we'll have such limited contact? What happens next year, the year after? Do we just continue loving each other from miles and miles away? What if he finds out how truly fucked up in the head I am, that I'm not this strong, if slightly kooky girl that people see when they look at me?

I've put myself in the same position I've put myself in time and again after I swear time and again that I won't. I've let my heart become someone else's possession, what if he's as careless with it as the others have been in the past? What if it's not as real and valid to him as it is for me?

And, although he's the dominant subject of my thoughts tonight, there are other ones fighting loudly to take my time and attention.

I'm also worried about this summer. I'm not so much worried about the job as I am the ending of the job at bullys. I wish I was leaving in 2 weeks, not 2 months. I hate confrontation, thank you dad. I'm nervous about telling Peter and Aida about the job. 

I'm so excited for this job. I have no doubt that it'll be amazing, I am a little worried though, my high energy comes in spurts it seems like, I have to wonder what's going to happen if I have an episode while I'm there? My depression is usually well under control, but there are those occasional times when I just can't stand the thought of getting out of bed, and can't relax enough to fall asleep at the same time.

I think I just need someone to tell me it's going to be ok, that I'm going to be ok. Sometimes reassurance is all I need.

Thespianically though troubled

Sarah

Holding back tears

This might have been the worst week on record.
Last Monday I totaled my car, which was the catalyst for all of the nastiness really.
Now I'm forced back into relying on my dad for transportation which is always lovely ~sarcasm~ He also has been totally pushing me to get another job, I don't think that he's figured out that when he pushes me into something I usually end up miserable, or maybe he just doesn't care. That might be it.
I got a job as a hostess at Red Lobster, but I told them I couldn't accept it, and that totally pissed dad off. I just couldn't stand the thought of being in another restaurant environment, wearing that uniform, being a hostess and all that shit all over again. The thought almost gave me a panic attack.
I couldn't go with Jason to Sheridan for christmas either, since we were planning on driving Stella who is now muerte. He flew in today at 8:30, so I got my ass out of bed and went to get him at the airport. We got to spend a little time together, about 5 hours. I almost hate those kinds of visits more than not having any visits at all. It hurts my heart to be with him for only a few hours and then for him to leave again. It totally sucks that my best friend, my (dare I say it?) soulmate, lives across the country from me. When he comes, all I want to do is grab him, hold on, and never let go.
Bekah says I should have kissed him goodbye. She's right. I can never make the first move, I'm so afraid of rejection, it's sick. I'm so afraid that he won't feel as strongly as I feel. But even more than that, I'm afraid if we're "together" something will happen and I'll lose him totally. I don't think I could handle that. He's so important to me, I want him to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.
I actually noticed 11:11 today. We were curled up on the couch watching a movie. I didn't even make a wish, since my wish was coming true right then.
Thespianically
Sarah

Star Video, 13 recording review, The Beatles, and Bully Blends

Hello virtual world! Long time no see! I had a flash of inspiration and nostalgia today as I was listening to my favorite podcast from IFC...I'm such a movie whore, I know....Here's the link, I'll explain the podcast momentarily, but I highly recommend this podcast to any and all movie lovers .
Anyways, they were talking about a semi famous video store in NYC getting shut down, and it dredged up memories from my own child hood and early teens.
The locally owned star video audio in wyoming was, in a word, the bomb. Of course, this is coming from a biased source, who used to spend every friday night there, arguing with her sisters over which movies to get. It had your classic elements of an indie store, run by koreans, an extensive VHS collection, and of course, the dumbest kids movies on the face of the planet. I remember renting garbage like the hugga bunch club and popples, god, looking back, we were idiots! It also had a GREAT classics section, it had basically everything the marx brothers had ever done (which, I've discovered, is not something most video stores carry) and all of those classics that a budding film buff needs to watch. Well, I'm kinda done talking about that for now, on to subject 2

I suppose before I go on, I'll offer a glossary of what the acronyms in the review mean...since not everybody speaks broadway chat board-ese
OBCR: Original Broadway Cast Recording
JRB: Jason Robert Brown
tL5Y: The Last 5 Years

I bought the 13 OBCR last week, and have taken some time to absorb it, so here are some of my reactions. I don't think yall know this, but I love Jason Robert Brown, he is second only to his amazingness Stephen Sondheim in my mind, and I've even fought people over this. But, anyways, my love for my boy JRB wasn't exactly strengthened or lessened by his newest musical "13"
My favorite thing about JRB's compositions is his use of instrumental accompaniment, and I'm slightly disappointed by the instrumentals in this newest CD. It feels less imaginative and interesting to me. On my first listen to tL5Y, the piano riffs in "Moving Too Fast" and " The Schmeul Song" grabbed me right away and refused to give me up, whereas, he went for a more traditional approach in 13, which, while still good, is not why I fell in love with him. The interesting instrumentals are there, but you really have to be listening for them, as they're much more subtle. Of course, we have to take into consideration that he was writing for child and young teen actors, which, lets face it, aren't Norbert Leo Butz. The instrumentals are definitely solid, which we should expect since JRB is such a phenomenal musician and pianist, and I'm probably just nitpicking, but it's my blog so I'll do whatever I want.
Now I'm going to write something positive, since I haven't exactly been supportive thus far. The songs are mostly upbeat and positive, even as they deal with the drama of being a teenager and etc. One of my favorite songs on the recording is "A Little More Homework" It's one of those songs that uplifts you, whether or not you want it to.

In other news, I went shopping for the Salvation Army Angel Tree today...I picked a 10 year old girl who wanted "Jewelry" and "CDs" So, I went out to Target and started wandering aimlessly. At first I was looking in the jewelry section that's more for the adult set, but then I found the little girls section with the sparkly stuff...and I got her one of those heart necklaces with the big ring and post clasp that are popular, and some cute bobby pins, since who doesn't love cute bobby pins? I was kinda going out on a limb here, since I wasn't big into jewelry back when I was that age, so I wasn't sure if it was too "young" for her, but I think I did ok.
Then I went to the music section, not entirely certain about what to get her. I ended up going for a Jonas Brothers CD, since that's what popular on the Disney Channel these days...hopefully that works. Then, I got a little bit daring. I bought her The Beatles #1 Hits CD. I think I was roughly in the 4th grade when I first heard The Beatles and fell in love. I'm fairly certain that most human beings are wired to like The Beatles at birth...and besides, if I had to buy her the Jonas Brothers garbage, I should atone for it with the best pop group in the history of the world. I also have this feeling that if she doesn't like it now it'll grow on her. I'm fairly certain that the Jonas Brothers will fade out in a few years, but The Beatles are timeless, and maybe this CD will become like my five iron frenzy cds have become, the go to music when you need a lift.
~sigh~ I love the Beatles!

I'm working at a coffee shop nowadays, having quit at the firehouse (hallelujah praise the lord!) It's hands down the best in-between-high-school-and-college job I could ever hope to find, it's so much fun and I love the people there! I'm now skilled in the fine art of making espresso and sandwiches and I get all the coffee and tea I want. Totally awesome. It's so sweet when I make people's day a little brighter with a cup of coffee or a pot of tea, and I love it when they compliment the decorations or garnishes I do. ~cough~shamelessplug~cough~ Yall should come in to Bully Blends, cuz we rock!

Well, that pretty much wraps it up for now...I know it's been forever and this was a really long post...but what I lack in regularity I make up for in sheer quantity, right?

Thespianically (although it's been a while)
Sarah

a moment of silence

for my poor little arwen. She has spun her last revolution, and with it, she took 5 years of my personal hoard of...well...stuff. My computer has a dual hard drive, so my mom installed system software on the backup drive, but it doesn't have any of my presets or saved files or anything. My bookmarks for Safari are gone, some docs and pics and stuff that I had been meaning to put on my flash drive are gone...EVERYTHING IS GONE! I feel so lost and alone and sad. One of the worst things was losing my conversation histories on MSN messenger, I'm kind of a pack rat, so I have stuff saved from when I was moving here and discussing with all of my old friends about how much I miss wyoming, and stuff from the day we found out Siebrasse was fired, and stuff from my 18th birthday. WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ok, so I guess one thing was spared...all of my music is still intact because I had moved it to the backup drive because it had more storage space.
I'll probably whine about this more later, but I have to work a double tomorrow.
I MISS MY SPRING AWAKENING DESKTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morosely and decidedly not thespianically
Sarah