Holding back tears

This might have been the worst week on record.
Last Monday I totaled my car, which was the catalyst for all of the nastiness really.
Now I'm forced back into relying on my dad for transportation which is always lovely ~sarcasm~ He also has been totally pushing me to get another job, I don't think that he's figured out that when he pushes me into something I usually end up miserable, or maybe he just doesn't care. That might be it.
I got a job as a hostess at Red Lobster, but I told them I couldn't accept it, and that totally pissed dad off. I just couldn't stand the thought of being in another restaurant environment, wearing that uniform, being a hostess and all that shit all over again. The thought almost gave me a panic attack.
I couldn't go with Jason to Sheridan for christmas either, since we were planning on driving Stella who is now muerte. He flew in today at 8:30, so I got my ass out of bed and went to get him at the airport. We got to spend a little time together, about 5 hours. I almost hate those kinds of visits more than not having any visits at all. It hurts my heart to be with him for only a few hours and then for him to leave again. It totally sucks that my best friend, my (dare I say it?) soulmate, lives across the country from me. When he comes, all I want to do is grab him, hold on, and never let go.
Bekah says I should have kissed him goodbye. She's right. I can never make the first move, I'm so afraid of rejection, it's sick. I'm so afraid that he won't feel as strongly as I feel. But even more than that, I'm afraid if we're "together" something will happen and I'll lose him totally. I don't think I could handle that. He's so important to me, I want him to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.
I actually noticed 11:11 today. We were curled up on the couch watching a movie. I didn't even make a wish, since my wish was coming true right then.
Thespianically
Sarah