To prove how much of a funk I'm in, let me start by saying that my mom just told me that my grandparents are giving me a trip to NYC for graduation and I could barely muster a smile.
Oh where to start, where to start? Everything just seems to be hitting me in the face this weekend. I guess prom is as good a place to start as any, since you already know about the play.
The plan was that Laurie and Holly and Megan and Nikki and I were all going to go to prom together...that was until scott showed up. I haven't heard anything from her in a week or more, so I'm assuming that plan went ~tthpt~ It's officially to late to come up with a plan B and since I was going alone basically, I can't just rally the troops and plan a romantic dinner at McDonalds. Everyone already has plans, and so I'm SOL (shit outta luck, not Seasons of Love). I don't want to just show up at prom by myself, since that's probably just about as lame as you can get. On the other hand, it's my senior prom, and I've heard tell that it's kinda important.
So, that's really bumming me out right now, it's also making the fact that I don't have close friends glaringly obvious. Usually I'm ok with that fact, really I am, but I'm just thinking, you know, a few years from now when people are looking through their yearbooks, they're gonna see me and think "who was that girl, I don't remember her" I hate how hard it is for me to make close friends. It leads me to believe that there's something wrong with me...any thoughts on the subject gentle reader?
This all leads to my thoughts on how lame my senior year has been. Nothing awesome has happened to me...I (still) didn't get my license, I didn't get any halfway decent parts in any shows, I didn't get into all state, didn't find romance, where I stand with God is getting harder and harder to figure out, I don't have any plans for next year, I'm probably never going to be able to afford college, I'm not going to prom, I lost 3 more friends to circumstances beyond my control, 2 of which I was actually well on my way to trusting, I've gained 15 pounds since the school year started, my family has been more dysfunctional than usual. And yadda yadda yadda. If you've stuck this far with me, congratulations, if you're disgusted with this post, I don't blame you.
That's another thing. I'm always the self sacrificing, stoic one. I actually usually feel little to no pity for people who post shit like this. I try my damndest not to be the selfish sister, if I'm feeling like shit I try not to show it, I keep all my jealousys to myself, I'm damn good at being happy for people when on the inside I feel like screaming and ripping their hearts out. I never do anything about crushes I have...especially not if they're over someone who shows even the slightest inkling that they might be remotely interested in someone else.
Well, it's nearly midnight, perhaps I'll add some more to this tomorrow, or maybe I'll actually be feeling ok? who knows.
Thespianically
Sarah
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